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| How Old Are You REALLY ????? |  |
.One more reason that it's better
to be a woman than a man
(Hint: Click on the Man's side first.)
.This is frightening ! Stats on a well-known group.
.The Top Ten Reasons Computers Must be Male... or Female
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What every office's voice mail system needs
The Washington Post: New Words
Lost in Translation
zerstört
in der Übersetzung
distrusso nella traduzione
What happens when an English phrase is
translated (by computer) back and forth between 5 different languages?
Electile Dysfunction The image says it all.
Misheard
Lyrics 'Scuse me while I kiss this guy
(Jimi), Chain of Foods (Aretha)
and a gay pair of guys put
up a parking lot (Joni).
But don't you step on my
Bruce Wayne shoes.
Heaven and Hell, European Style
What a difference 30 years can make 1970 vs. 2000
44 Things We Learned From The Movies
Disco Dan
About as silly as we can get. Have
your sound on.
Gets your mouse moving. To change the tune, press
the Refresh key. Stayin' Alive.
1. Name the 4 Beatles.
2. Finish the line: "Lions and Tigers and Bears, ______ _____!"
3. "Hey kids, what time is it?" _____ ______ _____ _____.
4. What do M&M's do? ___ ___ ___ ___, ____ ____ ____ ____
5. What helps build strong bodies 12 ways?______ _______.
6. Long before he was Mohammed Ali, we knew him as _______ ______.
7. You'll wonder where the yellow went,
____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____."
8. Post-baby boomers know Bob Denver as the Skipper's "little buddy."
But we know that Bob Denver is actually Dobie's closest friend,
_____ G._____.
9. M-I-C, .... See ya' real soon, .... K-E-Y, _____? ____ _____
_____ _____!
10. "Brylcream: ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ _____."
11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone _____ _____.
12. From the early days of our music, real rock 'n roll, finish this line:
"I wonder, wonder, wonder...wonder who
____ ______ _____ _____ _____ ____?"
13. And while we're remembering rock n' roll, try this one:
"War...uh-huh, huh, ...yea; what is it good for? , ____ _____."
14. Meanwhile, back home in Metropolis, Superman fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and _____ ____ _____.
15. He came out of the University of Alabama, and became one of the best
quarterbacks in the history of the NFL. He later went on to appear in a television
commercial wearing women's stockings.
He is Broadway _____ _______.
16. "I'm Popeye the sailor man; I'm Popeye the sailor man.
I'm strong to the finish, ____ _____ ____ ___ ______, .... I'm Popeye the sailor
man."
17. Your children probably recall that Peter Pan was recently played by Robin Williams, but we will always remember when Peter was played by ______ _______.
18. In a movie from the late sixties, Paul Newman played Luke, a ne'er do well who was sent to a prison camp for cutting off the heads of parking meters with a pipe cutter. When he was captured after an unsuccessful attempt to escape, the camp commander (played by Strother Martin) used this experience as a lesson for the other prisoners, and explained, "What we have here, ____ ____ ____ ____ ____."
19. In 1962, a dejected politician chastised the press after losing a race for governor while announcing his retirement from politics. "Just think, you won't have ____ ____ to kick around anymore."
20. "Every morning, at the mine, you could see him arrive; He stood six foot, six, weighed 245. Kinda' broad at the shoulder, and narrow at the hip, and everybody knew you didn't give no lip to _____ _____, _____ _____ _____."
21. "I found my thrill, _____ _____ _____."
22. ________ ________ said,
"Good night, Mrs. Calabash, _____ _____ _____."
23. "Good night, David." "_____ ______,______."
24. "Liar, liar, ____ ____ _____."
25. "When it's least expected, you're elected. You're the star today.
_______ ! _____ ______ ______ ______."
26. It was Pogo, the comic strip character, who said,
"We have met the enemy, and ____ ___ ____."
Scoring
24-26 correct - 50+ years old
20-23 correct - 40's
15-19 correct - 30's
10-14 correct - 20's
0- 9 correct - You're, like, sorta a teenage dude
Words of Wisdom from Bart Simpson
The opening credits of The Simpson's shows Bart Simpson
writing the same sentence over and over again on a chalkboard -- the old "write it
100 times" punishment, which establishes him as a troublemaker. Each episode Bart is
writing a different sentence.
Someone apparently went to the trouble of keeping track of the sentences Bart writes on
the board. These are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits. Even
if you're not a fan you'll like these:
I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I'm sick.
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal "spud head".
Goldfish don't bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
I will never win an Emmy.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
*7 have been arrested for fraud
*19 have been accused of writing bad checks
*117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
*3 have done time for assault
*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
*14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
*8 have been arrested for shoplifting
*21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
*84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress.
The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of
us in line.
The Top Ten Reasons Computers Must Be Male
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the
corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them
home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the
right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games
you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to
turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night
1. Size does matter!
The Top Ten Reasons Computers Must Be Female
10. Picky, picky, picky.
9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
8. Beauty is only shell deep.
7. When you ask what's wrong, they say
"nothing"
6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming
speed.
5. Always turning simple statements into big
productions.
4. Smalltalk is important.
3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly
it's wrong.
2. They make you take the garbage out.
1. Miss a period and they go wild!!!
What every office's voice mail system needs
This is indeed worth a quick call... It'll brighten your day.
1. Dial (dial ?) National Discount Brokers at 1-800-888-3999 (it's toll-free)
2. There will be an announcement then a long pause followed by
a list of options.
Listen to all of the options.
3. After hearing #7, hit 7.
Every company should have an option #7.
Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so how could you treat them?
If you suffer from kleptomania should you take something for it?
Can a masochist ever get a horrible disease?
How do we know "Dyslexia" is spelled correctly?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Wouldn't it be smarter to label "top secret" documents something less conspicuous like "trivial information" ?
Is Edam the only cheese that's "made" backwards?
Why is there only one company making the game Monopoly?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
What's the shelf life of a shelf?
If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your criminal record?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
The Washington Post: New Words
The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by
adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new
definition. Here are some recent winners.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?
And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you
rapidly.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your
money to start with.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Heaven and Hell, European Style
In Heaven:
The French cook the food
The Germans make the cars
The British are the policemen
The Swiss run the government
and the Italians are the lovers
In Hell:
The French make the cars
The Germans are the policmen
The British cook the food (ugh!)
The Swiss are the lovers
and the Italians run the government
What a difference 30 years can make
1970: Long Hair
2000: Longing for hair
1970: The perfect high
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund
1970: KEG
2000: EKG
1970: Acid Rock
2000: Acid Reflux
1970: Moving to California because it's cool
2000: Moving to California because it's warm
1970: Growing pot
2000: Growing pot belly
1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
1970: Seeds and stems
2000: Roughage
1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel
2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity
1970: Paar
2000: AARP
1970: Killer weed
2000: Weed killer
1970: The Grateful Dead
2000: Dr. Kevorkian
1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint
2000: Getting a new hip joint
1970: Rolling Stones
2000: Kidney stones
1970: Take acid
2000: Take antacid
1970: Passing the driver's test
2000: Passing the vision test
1970: Being called into the principal's office
2000: Calling the principal's office
1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
44 Things We Learned From The Movies
1. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
3. Most dogs are immortal.
4. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St.Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
5. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
6. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
7. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
8. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
9. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
10. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition -even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
11. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
12. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
13. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
14. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
15. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
16. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
17. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill, just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
18. Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
19. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
20. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
21. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
22. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
23. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
24. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him hours to finish the job.
25. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
26. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
27. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
28. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
29. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
30. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
31. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
32. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
33. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
34. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
35. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
36. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
37. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
38. No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
39. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
40. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
41. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
42. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds -unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
43. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
44. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.